This is a blog Kathleen has been working on for awhile and posted this week…enjoy.
You might be a missionary in East Africa if…
- You are a celebrity simply because you are white.
- You don’t get picky about the pronunciation of your name anymore…as long as it is in the same ballpark, that’s good enough!
- You respond to Mzungu just as if it was your name.
- “Mzungu-how-are-you-I’m-fine” is one word and often the only English the speaker knows
- “Yes, I’m fine” is a normal response to hello.
- Rather than saying hello, people say, “Yes, I am wanting you to greet me.” Hello to you too.
- You put your life into the hands of a piki-piki driver… and pray that you live.
- Worms, malaria, amoebas, and typhoid are as common as a cold while chicken pox is a deadly disease.
- Hot tea is good in any weather.
- You consider yourself clean after bathing in lake water.
- Walking 2km to the doctor while sick is normal and expected.
- Rats and roaches no longer faze you.
- You no longer get excited when you see monkeys…in fact, they can be rather obnoxious.
- You are asked to be in the weddings (and funerals) of people you’ve never met before.
- 20+ people fit “comfortably” into a matatu (taxi)
- You happily ride on top of the land rover when there isn’t room inside.
- Deadly diseases and bodily functions are considered appropriate and normal conversation.
- You know the price you are asked to pay is way too high due to the “skin tax.”
- You are asked daily if you know Obama, are related to him, take family vacations with him… they REALLY love our president over here.
- While browsing through the local super market, you come across Obama gum, obama lollipops, obama bags, obama buttons… are we in Africa or America?
- Peeing in a bush is the safest decision you’ve made all day…way more sanitary than the squatty potty that has 30+ cockroaches lurking.
- Guarded escort at night is necessary to avoid hippo attacks.
- You shave your legs in a bucket on the porch …that is if you shave at all.
- Two showers/hair washings a week seem a bit excessive. They are also usually in a bucket, not an actual shower.
- A toilet you can poop in (and don’t have to squat over) is a luxury.
- A mosquito net protects you from anything and everything…it is your safety bubble.
- Electricity is a luxury, one you forget that is even available after not having it for so long.
- A traffic jam consists of a herd of cows blocking the road.
- Some of the most gorgeous children you’ve ever seen run up and greet you everyday.
- Seeing clean, stinkless squatty is pretty close to a miracle.
- Getting peed on by a baby is a weekly experience, you just change clothes and move on.
- You get out of the shower and an hour later you still have dirt/grime everywhere.
- Everyone you see, young or old, greets you with a smile and a wave. I will miss that in America.
- Children fight to be the one to get to hold your hand or sit in your lap.
- Everything you touch breaks… bikes, cars, toilets… maybe its us.
- You begin interjecting “Amen,” “Praise God,” or “Hallelujah” into regular conversation as a confirmation to what someone says rather than a simple, “yes.”. And when you DO say amen, someone follows you up with “Hallelujah” or “Praise God.”
- It is considered freezing cold parka and boots weather when the temperature drops to 70.
- As soon as it starts raining, there isn’t an African to be found outside. They fear the rain.
- You eat rice, beans and cabbage for nearly every meal and never complain…too much.
- Instead of butter, you use Blue Band or rich in Vitamin A spread as we like to call it. Nothing like butter, but as close as you get.
- Women having their knees show is super scandalous. As our dear friend Jared says, “Your thighs are for you, your husband and God, that’s ALL!”
- The clothes you wear don’t really match at all, but since they are the only clean clothes you have, you wear them without shame.
- You begin adding extra syllables to your words such as Wellacome, Hellahthy, clothesas, etc.
- You use buckets of water to flush your no-longer functioning toilet… which is every toilet you come in contact with.
- Slaughtering a goat leads to marriage proposals and dowries sent by strange African/Indian men. Just say NO!
- Mosquito bites and acne are mistaken for sun burn. Then when you really are sunburned, they don’t believe that is what you have, it must be a rash. Africans really haven’t grasped the concept of a sun burn quite yet.
- Children and the occasional adult will attempt to wipe away or scratch off your freckles and moles, assuming it is dirt. Nope, that stays there, thanks.
- You meet people who have literally never seen a white person before, you’re the first. It’s especially bad with babies who look at you in terror and start screaming and crying. Yep, that’s good for my self-esteem.
- You get way too excited when you see other white people. You may even shout Mzungu to them and wave, just like the African children do to you… oh dear.
- Children stroke/play with/pull on your body hair. The older ones fear it…. That doesn’t bode well for my “No shave Novas”…7 months and counting! (also another thing I would never do in America…)
- You know how to say hello, please, thank you and sorry in about five different African languages
And for a special treat, You know You’re a Missionary in Africa with…
- Tara when you are prepared for any and every situation, especially having toilet paper for sudden squatty needs. That is Tara in a nutshell…and if you’re ever the one in the nutshell, she will have a way to get you out!!
- Brittany when anything that is said to her may be persecution. I’m not saying she is persecuted a lot, but I’m not saying she isn’t either…
- Alison when “Chill out girl” is the response you get to anything you say or do. That or “Hey don’t freak out.”
- KC when scandalous shorts make a daily appearance… watch those knees!!
- Nadia when EVERYTHING is like death. Really? Everything? It hurts her soul.
- Kathleen when she uses her mefloquine as an excuse for her “irritability.” One of the many lovely side effects of malaria meds.
HA ha! I read this over on Kathleen’s blog, priceless 🙂