taramurray - You Might Be a Missionary in East Africa If...

This is a blog Kathleen has been working on for awhile and posted this week...enjoy.

You might be a missionary in East Africa if...

You are a celebrity simply because you are white.
You don't get picky about the pronunciation of your name anymore...as long as it is in the same ballpark, that's good enough!
You respond to Mzungu just as if it was your name.
"Mzungu-how-are-you-I'm-fine" is one word and often the only English the speaker knows
"Yes, I'm fine" is a normal response to hello.
Rather than saying hello, people say, "Yes, I am wanting you to greet me." Hello to you too.
You put your life into the hands of a piki-piki driver... and pray that you live.
Worms, malaria, amoebas, and typhoid are as common as a cold while chicken pox is a deadly disease.
Hot tea is good in any weather.
You consider yourself clean after bathing in lake water.
Walking 2km to the doctor while sick is normal and expected.
Rats and roaches no longer faze you.
You no longer get excited when you see monkeys...in fact, they can be rather obnoxious.
You are asked to be in the weddings (and funerals) of people you've never met before.
20+ people fit "comfortably" into a matatu (taxi)
You happily ride on top of the land rover when there isn't room inside.
Deadly diseases and bodily functions are considered appropriate and normal conversation.
You know the price you are asked to pay is way too high due to the "skin tax."
You are asked daily if you know Obama, are related to him, take family vacations with him... they REALLY love our president over here.
While browsing through the local super market, you come across Obama gum, obama lollipops, obama bags, obama buttons... are we in Africa or America?
Peeing in a bush is the safest decision you've made all day...way more sanitary than the squatty potty that has 30+ cockroaches lurking.
Guarded escort at night is necessary to avoid hippo attacks.
You shave your legs in a bucket on the porch ...that is if you shave at all.
Two showers/hair washings a week seem a bit excessive. They are also usually in a bucket, not an actual shower.
A toilet you can poop in (and don't have to squat over) is a luxury.
A mosquito net protects you from anything and everything...it is your safety bubble.
Electricity is a luxury, one you forget that is even available after not having it for so long.
A traffic jam consists of a herd of cows blocking the road.
Some of the most gorgeous children you've ever seen run up and greet you everyday.
Seeing clean, stinkless squatty is pretty close to a miracle.
Getting peed on by a baby is a weekly experience, you just change clothes and move on.
You get out of the shower and an hour later you still have dirt/grime everywhere.
Everyone you see, young or old, greets you with a smile and a wave. I will miss that in America.
Children fight to be the one to get to hold your hand or sit in your lap.
Everything you touch breaks... bikes, cars, toilets... maybe its us.
You begin interjecting "Amen," "Praise God," or "Hallelujah" into regular conversation as a confirmation to what someone says rather than a simple, "yes.". And when you DO say amen, someone follows you up with "Hallelujah" or "Praise God."
It is considered freezing cold parka and boots weather when the temperature drops to 70.
As soon as it starts raining, there isn't an African to be found outside. They fear the rain.
You eat rice, beans and cabbage for nearly every meal and never complain...too much.
Instead of butter, you use Blue Band or rich in Vitamin A spread as we like to call it. Nothing like butter, but as close as you get.
Women having their knees show is super scandalous. As our dear friend Jared says, "Your thighs are for you, your husband and God, that's ALL!"
The clothes you wear don't really match at all, but since they are the only clean clothes you have, you wear them without shame.
You begin adding extra syllables to your words such as Wellacome, Hellahthy, clothesas, etc.
You use buckets of water to flush your no-longer functioning toilet... which is every toilet you come in contact with.
Slaughtering a goat leads to marriage proposals and dowries sent by strange African/Indian men. Just say NO!
Mosquito bites and acne are mistaken for sun burn. Then when you really are sunburned, they don't believe that is what you have, it must be a rash. Africans really haven't grasped the concept of a sun burn quite yet.
Children and the occasional adult will attempt to wipe away or scratch off your freckles and moles, assuming it is dirt. Nope, that stays there, thanks.
You meet people who have literally never seen a white person before, you're the first. It's especially bad with babies who look at you in terror and start screaming and crying. Yep, that's good for my self-esteem.
You get way too excited when you see other white people. You may even shout Mzungu to them and wave, just like the African children do to you... oh dear.
Children stroke/play with/pull on your body hair. The older ones fear it.... That doesn't bode well for my "No shave Novas"...7 months and counting! (also another thing I would never do in America...)
You know how to say hello, please, thank you and sorry in about five different African languages

And for a special treat, You know You're a Missionary in Africa with...

Tara when you are prepared for any and every situation, especially having toilet paper for sudden squatty needs. That is Tara in a nutshell...and if you're ever the one in the nutshell, she will have a way to get you out!!
Brittany when anything that is said to her may be persecution. I'm not saying she is persecuted a lot, but I'm not saying she isn't either...
Alison when "Chill out girl" is the response you get to anything you say or do. That or "Hey don't freak out."
KC when scandalous shorts make a daily appearance... watch those knees!!
Nadia when EVERYTHING is like death. Really? Everything? It hurts her soul.
Kathleen when she uses her mefloquine as an excuse for her "irritability." One of the many lovely side effects of malaria meds.

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You Might Be a Missionary in East Africa If...

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